A new year.

Well, Its the year 2009 now..... whoopie.

Why is it that everyone expects their entire life to change for the better after the year is over?
you can be having the most horrible, emotionaly destructive, soul crushing days of your life, but if its December, all you usually get is "dont worry, things will get better at the new year"

Does this only happen to me? Is it just my family or does it happen on a more broad scale?

I mean, things didnt get much better for me a christmas, I wasa basicly told by my dad that I would be getting a certain amount of money, instead of a traditional present. I was fine with that, I was hoping for some cash anway.... so I spend the next couple of weeks sorting stuff out, what it is that im going to get and when. May as well right?

So christmas day rolls by... everything is looking good, geot more than a few things from my other family, my mother, brother and the like. I see the stuff my dad left for my family ya know?
A flatscreen for my younger bro, A new laptop for my sister, and a new 360 for my younger bro.
Then he stops by to make suere we are all okay.

Takes me up to my room, and tells me that he hasent got anything to give me. I'm pissed, understandably enough, but I dont show it..... showing anything other than happiness and contempt in my family is grounds for a huge arguement.

Now dont get me wrong, I'm pissed yeah, but not that I'm not getting the money, I'm not that spoiled. I'm pissed because he told me that I was.....if he had just said to me "Craig, you're ninteen now I think your getting too old for christmas presents." I would have been fine.
That way, I wouldent plan out what it is I was going to get, I had stuff planned ya know? Some stuff that was real important to me that I didn't want to tell my mum because I wanted to surprise her. Just walk in one morning and tell her that I got my drivers license , like she has been bitching at me to get. I was also wanting to get my tatoo fixed after it went all blotchy on me..... but I basically had that all thrown in my face by him.

My mum's been asking him recently about getting me my money, he keeps telling her that he will talk to me about it, but he never does......that only means one thing, he's only saying it to shut her up...........I just want to know why the hell is he lying

Well, whatever the reason, I'm gonna find out.

Happy new year to all the people out there...from my silent little corner of cyberspace, A silent happy new you year to all of you.

Back after a long break

Damn. damn. damn.

Never claim to be smart, it'll only end in tears.

I'm gonna be honest here, I'm not expecting anyone to be reading this....why would you?
I mean, all I am to you is words on a screen, nothing more.
Of course, any one who does read this is gonna be saying "If no one is reading then who the hell are you talking too?"
And; you know what?..........I dunno

I admit, I'm mainly using this thing to vent about my life. In a place where no one knows me, what do I have to lose?
Maybe if Im lucky, someone who feels the same as me in some points will catch it and leave a comment, maybe not.......but whatever

This originally started as a college project, now it really is my blog.

Now that thats all out of the way lets talk about family. Specifically parents.

If you are a teenager or were any kind of kid, your parents probably did a few things that drove you crazy....probably still are.

I just got that.........see I'm nineteen, I'm self consious to an extreme so I don't go out much.......admitedly, I spend a lot of my time playing video games but I would go out more and socialize if there was actually anything to do where I live, but there isn't....at least, not for me... the only thing in this place is the skate park and I'm not really interested in skateboarding.

I've beent trying to find a job but so far, no luck........speaking of which, have you ever tried to find a job.......looked up all the different places, checked the job centre and everything, and then have your parents turn around and say that the only reason you're unemployed is because you're not really trying?

I get that a lot...I'll admit that it infuriates me to the point I want to punch a wall or somthing.
They honestly think that all I do every day is sit and play games all day long.

I guess I just wish I could move out and get on with my life.. but I'd need a job to be able to afford it.......typical.

You know, I understand that there is a lot wrong with me.... but I also know that A lot of my confidence would grow if my mother said to me , just once "I know that you'll be able to make it on your own, I'm proud of you"

Thats a long ways away from "I love you, but you're a spoiled little bastard who hasn't grown up since the day he was sixteen".........but hey; all I can do is dream right?

Delays and Detours

Sometimes things just can't go according to plan; others, well what can I say?
what do I have to say about the things that go correctly? Absolutely nothing, after all what can I say if everything goes as planned?

However, lets talk detours; something that cant be helped even though no one really wants them at the start. You're going down the road that is your life then, bang. Dead End. You're left wondering "what the hell just happened?"

My friend, you've just hit a detour, and now your spinning out of control wondering where your path is.........problem is; detours often lead to crossroads, and we all know what those are like.

The trick is though, don't try and take control when you are still spinning, sounds obvious I know, but trust me you would be surprised how many forget in a panic. That just makes matters worse because then you're not just spinning out of control......you're pretending that you know what you're doing too, which makes it your problem when you slam into a wall at top speed.

I say this for the benefit of all who read, and as a constant remainder to myself, I've just recently recovered from attempting to take control of my life when it spun......I managed to stop inches from the wall, but I know that I will probably never be that lucky again.

I'm learning to count my blessings........this was definitely one of my biggest ones.

Aftermath

Well, I made a choice. No opition but to keep going on the path I chose.
It's too early to say whether or not it was the right one, maybe there was no right or wrong in this one.......just another one of lifes trials.
Things are begining to go back to the normal speed they were at now, somtimes I stop and look around at the people closest to me and I think "do they even know the cataclysm I just avoided?"

I chose the path that I felt was "me". If you can't be youself then who can you be? I may have got some people upset, but so was I. Its just a part of life.

E.E Cummings once said
"To be yourself in a world that is trying its best, night and day, to change you into someone else is the hardest battle anyone can fight, and keep fighting"

How true....

Suspended Time

Well, here we go. I've made a choice, picked a path and now its doing the whole action film thing....everything slows down.

It's like watching a train wreck but I'm the only one that knows whats going on, the only person that can see it. This was bound to happen, It was the only option I had was to decide when it was going to happen. All I can really do now is stop, stare and hope that there isn't a collision and if there is.....Lets see what I can salvage from the wreckage.

Crossroads

Have you ever felt that you have come across a bad crossroad in your life?
If you haven't, let me explain how it feels.... you have two choices which will affect the rest of your life, and you have to choose which road to walk, no matter which path you pick someone will be hurt, and there is nothing that you can do to stop it. If you spend too long to decide which road to walk on, you slam right into the middle: and that is never a good thing.

I'm in one of those right now, and I'm speeding towards this crossroad at god knows what speed praying I don't crash and burn. But suppose I make a choice, that I pick a road: maybe things wouldn't turn out that bad after all. But which one is right? which one is bad and which is good, black and white? Maybe there is no good or bad in this decision, but I know that there is no middle road here, it's either one, or the other.

Intro

Hi,
My name is Craig.
Most people would wonder why I chose the name that I did for the blog, but I feel that it suits me just fine, black and white sometimes seems to be the only way I can describe what I feel like sometimes. Some people are one side, like my mum; and there is a ,lot of people in the other side too, black and whit, two side of the same thing. an argument, a decision, it seems like I'm constantly in between.